‘Cancel the meeting!’ It’s not just the Greeks who’ve lost their marbles

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RIshi Sunak kicked off his Prada loafers and stretched out on the couch. It was another long day to plan everything perfectly. A fall statement where taxes were going down while they were still going up. Net immigration figures show that a squeeze on foreigners means allowing more of them into the country. He couldn’t really understand why people weren’t more grateful for all he had done.

An odd half hour with time to kill. Rish! He reached for his laptop and began scrolling through the Harrods website. It can be done with new clothes. Sly. He could not decide on merit. Was he 8 to 10 years old? Or 10 to 12? One was too small and the pants came up halfway up the leg and the other was too big. Or were these sensitive age groups? In which case it may be better in infants.

As he checks his bank details – he tries to wave the card clearly on his laptop – there’s a knock on the door. It was Oliver Dowden. Rish! He smiled. He was glad to be interrupted. He could do with some company.

“Hey Olive,” he said.

“Good to see you Rishster,” replied the Deputy Prime Minister.

“what’s up?”

“Uh…it’s so hard,” Olive said. “I think we can have one An international event on our hands. Like, Greek Prime Minister Zorba, whatever his name is, is thinking of using a few minutes of his hour-long conversation with you to ask for the return of the Elgin Marbles.


“Yes. The Greeks have gone and decided that their policy of wanting the sculptures returned to the Parthenon for decades is still their policy. Can you believe it? What a mess.”

Rish! He stood up and paced the room. Now he was really fired. This was an insult. It’s not just the UK in general. But for him personally. The Greeks were going to try and shame him in public.

Imagine the shame! After a long discussion about immigration – the Greeks really need to get their act together on this, it’s a shame how many people are arriving by boat – and a few pleasantries about Ukraine and Israel, a harmless exchange can be had. Kyriakos Mitotakis Marble asked and he said no. There was no place for that kind of mature diplomacy in his Tory government. What on earth would halves like Lee Anderson and Brendan Clarke-Smith say?

“This can’t be the only one,” said Rish! Another may feel irritated. Maybe even full-blown rage. They were increasing from time to time.

“That’s right, Richter,” Dowden shouted. “We cannot have the Greeks come here and go to us on their own merits. Hell, we didn’t grow out of the EU to have international relations with our neighbors. Where was the fun in that? The main point was to depress the economy and make fun of foreign countries. Bringing the little one back to Great Britain.

“Furthermore, I am dishonored,” Rish! Installed. “There is a pecking order in the list of global leaders and Blake of Greece is below me. The country is not even in the G20. So he can’t decide what we talk about. i do. There is only one thing for him. Cancel the meeting!”

Sunak grabs his phone and searches his contacts. G for Greek man. He started texting. “Soz, we can’t meet now. I am decorating the Christmas tree. But you can’t have annoying marbles. We stole them, so they are ours. Now run together. What kind of frustration don’t you get? PS: If you’re really desperate, you can chat with Olive instead.

A response was received within seconds. “Have your own way. It will be very easy to get the marble back by talking to George Osborne at the British Museum. Oh Lord Big Dave. It won’t matter if they stay in the UK. And if it’s all right, I’ll have a look at the olive. He’s no more useful than you. K.”

Olive and Reese! They high-five each other and celebrate with Diet Cokes. This was more. Living on the edge. See if the whole of the UK is congratulating them on their strong negotiations. They were not about to push. no way. Hard on foreigners. Hard on the causes of foreigners.

An hour later, a worried-looking Jeremy Hunt entered. Have you heard? The Prime Minister of Greece took the JCB down the A303 and excavated Stonehenge. And it was now in the process of being loaded onto the Stansted plane. Something had to be done.

“There’s only one thing for him,” Rish! He announced. We have to declare war Greece. Call Grant Shaps in defense and have him send the aircraft carrier to the Aegean. And we need SAS.

Olive couldn’t contain her priapism. He was fighting the good fight. The joy of his own importance. It was worth dying for other people. The Tory right will be delighted. Like every country. Rejoice! Rejoice! This can change the whole choice.

“Right, chaps,” shouted Olive. We are on our way to Corfu. They already play cricket so they want to be invaded by us without knowing it.

“OK!” said Rish. “While we’re at it, let’s go to war with Spain. Time to make Gibraltar British.

“Um,” Jezza mumbled. “It’s already British.”

“You’re kidding! Let’s attack him anyway. Just to prove it.”

Immediately the phone rang. It was Javier Milei in Argentina. He was taking back the Falklands and installing Liz Truss as ruler.

“Cut our one aircraft carrier in half” Rish! He commanded. “And send him to the South Atlantic after him. He has no time to lose.”

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