Opinion: why do public charge point providers make it so complicated to buy electricity?

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Opinion

Welcome to PastyLand EV Charging Station! Please download our app to get started…

Hello and welcome to the EV charging facility at PastyLand, Cornwall’s popular pasty-based theme park! This facility is operated by Chargerin, the West’s most attractive and least reliable provider of public charging points.

To get started, simply download our easy-to-use Chargerine app to your mobile phone. It’s listed in the app store under a completely different name that makes it look like a super dating site and boasts a one-star review. Please note that the app is not compatible with a) iOS 10 without the latest security update or b) black phones.

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Limited mobile signal near Pastiland makes downloading the app difficult. In that case, the woman who owns the sandwich shop down the street will let you use the WiFi as long as you buy a Chunky Lad meal deal. When you do this, the traffic warden will ticket you for parking your car in the EV bay free of charge.

Once you download the app, you need to register your account by providing personal information. The usual stuff: name, date of birth, address, retina scan, lots of financial information you don’t even ask for when applying for a real loan, rapid fire about national flags and completely unique information about your ethnicity, gender and sexual orientation.

Of course you can exercise your right not to provide these completely unnecessary personal details, then the charger exercises its right not to sell you any electricity, and there is no other public charging point within a 30 mile radius and you are at six percent. What are you going to do with the battery, you cruel person? Once you’ve signed up, Chargerin will take a £100 deposit from your account. If you’re wondering when we can get this money back, that’s a great question. If you have to disconnect and reconnect the charging cable at any point during the charging process, you’ll pay another £100.

Next, locate the PastyLand payment facility on the in-app map, which will keep you in Los Angeles. You are not in Los Angeles. Once found, select which of the eight PastyLand chargers you want to use in the app. You’ll notice that we haven’t physically numbered our chargers in keeping with our branding philosophy outlined below. And if you’re wondering, logically they’re in order from left to right, or maybe right to left, boy are you in for a treat. Hint: There are three number sixes for some reason!

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After an exciting period of trial and error, it turns out that the seven pay points don’t seem to work and the only person who responds makes a horrible noise and smells like burnt hair. Time to call our handy helpline number and talk to Pete about how the PastyLand payment facility hasn’t really worked for the past six months, but hopefully will be up and running sometime in 2025. keep in touch!

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